Things that make me irrationally angry

Maybe cataloguing this will cleanse me of this senseless feeling of rage. Or maybe it will just make me madder. Either way, this is my list of Things That Make Me Irrationally Angry.

#1: Sporks

 

Sporks have got to be the most useless invention ever. All we got in elementary school were cheap plastic sporks, so I can speak from experience when I say that they do not serve any purpose. They don’t work as a spoon because if you’re eating soup it all drains out from the end. And they don’t work as a fork either, because the prongs are short, stubby and triangular, and would sooner snap off than skewer anything. Basically, they are a waste of time, money, plastic, matter, space, and of one's childhood. Think of the children.

#2: Forks with three prongs

I guess I have some unresolved silverware issues… huh. Anyway, forks with three prongs are not forks. Forks have four prongs. Three prongs make it a trident or something. So any fork with three prongs is not a true fork, and therefore an impostor. Also, they are ugly looking. Olive Garden, for example, uses three-pronged forks dining tridents and it sort of turns me off Olive Garden. Which is a shame because they have heavenly bread sticks.

 

 

#3:Uncrustables

 
I actually love Uncrustables but I always remove the rim of compressed bread-product before I eat them. And what bugs me is everyone’s like, “Why are you taking the crust off? The point is that thereisn’t a crust!” And I’m like, “Well, there is, what else would you call this crap? Besides, they’re not called Uncrusteds. They’re called Uncrustables. They are able to be uncrusted. So I uncrust them. I don’t see the problem.”





#4: The failure of public schools to properly educate kids on what a pun is

There are a surprising number of high schoolers who wouldn’t know a pun if it smacked them in the face. Then even when I read the definition of a pun to them they still will not admit that it is in fact a pun.

Little survey real quick… Is this a pun? “Mama Turkey’s two sons were misbehaving. She told them, ‘If Grandpa Turkey could see you now he’d roll over in his gravy!’” (Note: this was paraphrased slightly, but is no more or less funny than the original joke and the part that makes it a pun is verbatim.)

The correct answer is yes. But just to make up for the failure of the public school system, here’s the definition of a pun:

A joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words that sound alike but have different meanings.

There, copied and pasted straight from Google. The part that makes the aforementioned joke a pun is “words that sound alike.” Because grave and gravy sound alike. Don’t even try to argue with me on this point.

It actually just makes me so mad. I’m so mad right now.

#5: When people in Honor’s Spanish 3 still don’t know basic pronunciation rules

The H is silent. You don’t say it. You just don’t say it. Not even a little bit. There are no exceptions. Ever. I'm using intentional fragments and simple sentence construction to emphasize my anger. Because I'm just that mad right now.