"Heroes" abilities: a critical analysis

Heroes was one of those shows that I started watching, thought was really awesome for the first season, then realized was actually not that good, but kept watching anyway. All four seasons. Help me. I kept watching because a.) Zachary Quinto and b.) it's sort of similar to a TV series of my own that I'm writing and I had to make sure it wasn't too similar (it wasn't). But mostly Zachary Quinto, who plays the main (basically only) villain, Sylar.

Sylar and his spectacular eyebrows.
(And a blurry victim.)

Heroes isn't that good, though. The dialogue is bad enough that I end up laughing most of the time, especially when characters are trying to be all threatening. Everything Sylar says is just hilarious... "How's Claire?" The problem is I don't think it's supposed to be hilarious... Heroes is way too self important, with its lengthy voice overs about evolution at the beginning or end of virtually every episode, and the unrelenting cockroach symbolism...

But I don't really want to review this show - just comment on the different abilities that characters possess and which ones are awesome and which ones are totally pointless.

Telekinesis: A classic. Sylar's first stolen ability, and most probably my pick if I had to choose. It's just really useful.

Telepathy: It was sort of lame in the beginning because people don't actually think in clear, conversational sentences the way the show makes out... But the extra stuff Matt Parkman figured out how to do, like borderline mind control, that was cool, I guess.

Super strength: Super lame. And it changed hot Mohinder into a mutant lizard. And apparently it can cause multiple personality disorder... No thanks.

Flight: Uh, yeah, no one cares. Plus, the special effects on flying scenes were laughable at best, with their little jet streams...

Freezing: So you can freeze stuff... Good for you.

Copy Cat: This one is legitimately sick. And another tempting choice. I guess it probably doesn't expand to things that are physically impossible (watch The Matrix, Monica, seriously), but I wonder if it could work to pick up other people's powers.

Bending space and time: Pretty cool, but it seems like a lot can go wrong... (i.e. brain tumors). I'd probably just freeze time a lot to get things done or sleep longer. And I wouldn't have to spend money on air travel! DUDE I COULD JUST POP OVER TO ROME FOR LUNCH AND COME BACK... DUDE. It's too bad Hiro had such impeccable morals when it came to using his awesome power.

Spontaneous regeneration: Admittedly, I really wished I had this when I was recovering from getting my wisdom teeth out, but I don't know how I'd feel about the whole immortality thing. But if I were to be immortal with Sylar, well, that's... I could work with that. But you can't really do anything special with this one. Other than not dying.

Precognition: Just maybe the lamest of them all, especially in the world of Heroes where neither the future nor even the past is set in stone.

Finding people: Ugh, so lame. Plus Molly was really annoying.

Persuasion: This one would be alright to have... Actually, it'd be really awesome to have. I just wonder how powerful it is... You can make people do things, but what about thinking things and feeling things?

Illusions: Another top choice. I mean, you get to eat as much as you want and people think you're skinny? Sign me up!

Control of electronic stuff: I think there was a word for it, but... yeah - Micah's power. Pretty cool, I guess. I would do that ATM trick all the time, and it'd be useful when my computer freezes.

Walking through walls and stuff: Handy if you get thrown in jail, but otherwise LAME.

Flame throwing: I'm just not impressed.

Puppet mastery: Downright creepy. Telekinesis trumps this one because you don't have to make the same movements as the other person, but still control their motion. So, yeah. Dumb.

Fear-enhanced strength: Really stupid if this means you don't have super strength all the time, just when people are afraid. Stupid in general because super strength is stupid.

Electricity-hands: I don't know what to call these... But it's Elle I'm talking about. Okay, so someone throws water on you and you're in agony? La-ame.

Turning stuff to gold: Darn useful, if you can keep a low profile. Which would be hard to do if you can freaking turn stuff to gold.

Enhancing others' abilities: Yeah, that's nice and all, but I want my own ability, thanks.

Super speed: Seems like a lot of effort...

Power absorption: Yeah. Obviously Peter lucked out. But exploding doesn't seem particularly pleasant, so I'll pass.

Nuclear-ness: Speaking of exploding. Also, I don't want to give radiation poisoning to my family members.

Invisibility: Honestly, I think this would be awesome. Think of all the places you could get into for free.

Memory erasing: I guess I don't get up to anything sketchy enough to have much of a need for this.

Blocking others' abilities: It'd be nice, if you knew lots of people with abilities or you wanted to be buddy-buddy with Sylar. Or just really annoy Sylar... Ooh. Fic idea...

Melting stuff: This one is definitely the lamest of them all. Seriously. There is no practical use for this.

Super hearing: Seems like it would get annoying. Plus, she said something about headaches? I'll pass.

Healing others: It's a nice thought, but the dual thing where you can end up killing everything you touch? Yeah, no.

Super memory: I'm nerdy enough to think that this would be AWESOME. I'd just go win it all on Jeopardy or something.

Tears of poison thing: Pretty creepy and clearly traumatic for everyone involved.

Shape-Shifting: Let's be honest, Shape-Shifting Sylar made Heroes about 1000 times better, which meant it was actually pretty decent for a while (end of third season). Am I the only one who was rooting for Sylar during all that? Yeah? Oh. Oops. It looks a little painful, though, and apparently leads to identity crises (and more, like, split personality crap) which was great to watch (I Am Sylar is still my favorite episode...), but probably not so much fun to experience.

Microwave hands: Microwaves are convenient enough, I don't need one inside of me.

Weather control: It'd be pretty awesome, but seems to be too hinged on one's emotions, which... would not turn out well for me. But if you got really precise with it, it would definitely come in handy. (I'm thinking tennis matches with a little gust just in time for your opponent's serve, 90 degree beach days, perfect 35 degrees and sunny for snowboarding days...)

Earth moving: Samuel was too annoying to take this seriously. Besides, you have no power if you aren't around other specials? Yeah, no.

Spontaneous combustion of stuff: Sylar apparently thought it looked "fun," but it was actually pretty lame.

Breathing under water: This was when I knew for certain that the writers had run out of ideas. Like, seriously?

Siren: Okay, what? That story line, though... It was so bad.

Lie Detection: Let's be honest about how hot Sylar was with this ability (and... all the time), but I don't really need to know when I'm being lied to. Plus, this has nothing on straight up telepathy.

Self-Replication: I guess I'm just wondering if you could have your other selves do your homework while your main self watches Netflix all the time. 'Cause if so I would definitely pick this one.

So, the top 5 picks for me, if you count Peter's ability as cheating, are: Copy Cat, Telekinesis, Invisibility, Bending Space and Time and Weather Control in about that order, depending on the limits on the Copy Cat one, because if I just watched Heroes then I'd have all of them, so...

What are your top 5 picks? Based on my totally unbiased and detailed descriptions of each... heh heh.